Posts Tagged ‘Guide to online dating’

Why You Shouldn’t Trust Jane Austen’s Dating Advice

Friday, April 27th, 2012

The damage has been done and there’s no going back. Only now have I discovered the culprit who has caused such misfortune and misery amongst women. I’ve known this person for such a long time. I first encountered her in my early teens and if I’d known then what I knew now, I might have been able to do something about it. Ok, this is turning into something slightly melodramatic but I’m single handedly blaming Jane Austen for the shortcomings in my love life.

Though you might not have ever picked up a copy of Pride & Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility, Emma or any other novel spouting total romantic nonsense, you would be fooled into thinking you were safe. You’re not, her work is culturally embedded! What child of the 90’s hasn’t seen Clueless?! Whether she was raising our expectations unnecessarily or simply describing romantic attitudes of yesteryear, she has still perpetuated the belief that if you’re a polite educated young woman, you will (with perhaps some maternal meddling) marry a man of good character and fortune.  Disney movies are also probably to blame, but still. It. Is. All. Lies.

Pride & Prejudice - Clicktonight.com

Was it really so simple back then?

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” – Pride and Prejudice

Universally acknowledged that a man who has a bit of money wants to marry? Oh Jane, had you braved a Thursday night out in Bank or near Liverpool Street you would no longer believe this to be such a viable theory. This is not to say that all wealthy men want to run around and cause trouble but it’s certainly no universal truth.

“Men of sense, whatever you may choose to say, do not want silly wives.” – Emma

Because we’ve never seen  successful, interesting men surround themselves with idiotic women??

“But when a young lady is to be a heroine, the perverseness of forty surrounding families cannot prevent her. Something must and will happen to throw a hero in her way.”

“Must” & “will” are the killers here. Can we pin our hopes on this assertion? Definitely not!

The thing is, is that the majority and certainly the most famous novels always begin and end with the same premise. Pretty, intelligent girl ready for marriage. Single successful man, usually a gentleman with a HUGE country estate. They hate/ misunderstand each other/ have some sort of a disagreement when they first meet. The friction provides the best setup for romance and surely enough they end up getting it on. Always a happy ending no matter how many complicated situations present themselves in between. Even Bridget Jones got her Mr. Darcy.

That said, Jane Austen hasn’t completely failed us. There’s some sense in this last little excerpt.

“There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere.”

Enter the world of modern dating! Ladies forget your heartbreak, put down the ice cream and go and find your comfort in whatever form he may take. It’s what the weekend was made for!

Second Date Territory

Thursday, April 5th, 2012

The first date is an interview. You put your best foot forward and hope that you’ve conveyed the best version of yourself. The second date is certainly more relaxed but it’s definitely time to take things to the next level. This brings me untold amounts of stress as my first date conversations come so easily whereas on a second date I’m expected to impress to the same level whilst assuming a more casual air. Oh god. Keep calm. Where are we going to go? What topics are still off limits?

Second Date TerritoryIn such situations I find the best thing to do is to do some research (this usually means consulting my successful “dater” friends and the truly awful ones too – and then doing exactly the opposite of what they advise)…

Wise Words

  • With second dates the focus should just be on each other. Resist temptation to invite your date to your local for drinks. Remove yourself from familiar surroundings and ensure they do the same. Getting to know each other without the pressure of the first date is key here. If you’re both somewhere that’s totally unrelated to you, you’ll find that nothing with colour your judgement. You’re also on an equal territory. We are all guilty of getting too comfortable/ too cocky in the local pub.
  • Keep the conversation light but meaningful. Talk about travels, where you went to school. If you a play a sport or are training for a marathon, divulge! Recent studies have shown that people respond well to active lifestyles. One subject you should avoid…the ex. Trust me, no date wants to listen to your bitter rants. It will NEVER look good despite it being tempting to conjure the sympathy vote (also terrible).

A Load of Rubbish

  • When someone requests a second date, play hard to get. Or if you’re going to request a second date wait ‘x’ amount of time. You don’t want to seem desperate!
    This is ridiculous. If you want to see someone again why bother trying to force a delay for the sake of appearing aloof. If you want to see them again, you know what to do!

  • Keep the act up. That’s what 3rd dates are for.
    I would say the second date is so crucial to the progression of a relationship. You’ve passed the first round and now it’s good to show more of your personality. Your date is looking for something more substantial to what they saw first time round. Why risk denying yourself another opportunity? That said, leave strange quirks and bizarre tendencies for later down the line.

Thinking of arranging a second date and need some ideas? Check out our member reviews and favourite places. They really do know best.

Why Dating Is Like An All You Can Eat Buffet

Saturday, July 23rd, 2011

It was truly unbelievable. If someone has said to me 6 months ago that I would spend my Friday night in an all you can eat Chinese buffet, well I would say they were insane. Ditch my Friday party routine, cocktails and champagne for gelatinous sweet and sour pork and lukewarm noodles? Impossible! But alas, tis true. Last night I went along for sheer compliance and I actually learned a few things.

All You Can Eat BuffetIf you haven’t been to an all you can eat buffet before, the concept is pretty simple. You take a plate and peruse the various things on offer and then load up with whatever catches your eye first. My dinner companion, a buffet connoisseur, was annoyed with my buffet etiquette when I came back with my plate filled with spring rolls and seaweed. “You’re not eating a three course meal, there is a real strategy to this!” As he explained to me his buffet rules, I realised that the similarities between good buffet practice and those we employ when dating, are many. Who would have thought??

Firstly, when you approach the buffet with your plate you choose anything and everything within proximity. You don’t mind if one of your choices isn’t quite to your taste because you know you are going back for more. Second visit, this time you’re a bit more selective but you still keep an open mind. You’re choosing maybe one or two of your favourites from round one but you’re also venturing out into uncharted territory with the options you didn’t get chance to explore first time round. Are you starting to see where I’m drawing parallels here?

Third visit. This time it’s quite different. Not only are you wiser to what is best for you out there but you’re also being smart about what you go back to you. This is a process of selection and filtering after all. Your choosing you’re favourites, the very best. Maybe you go for the top three or maybe there’s just one thing, like salt and pepper squid, that you adore, just have to have more of and there’s only room for this one on your plate. You might even go back for a fourth round. What comes next? Well dessert of course.

It’s Saturday and you need plans for tonight? Click now and make plans with one (of a few) of our gorgeous members. Happy weekend!

Does That Come With A Boyfriend?

Friday, July 15th, 2011

There comes a time in your dating career when you’ll find someone you like and will regularly date them. That’s all wonderful and everything but be careful of a common dating dilemma known as separation anxiety.

Friends of mine have likened this anxiety to a disease. And quite rightly so. It starts off with minor symptoms and then when it has you in full throes, it’s too late. Like the virus it is, it will spread to the core, manifest and then set about on it’s path of infectious destruction. Stay clear believe me.

Does That Come With A Boyfriend?It’s massively unhealthy and occurs somewhere between wanting to spend all your time with your love interest and when you feel you can’t actually cope from being separated from them. You become so attached to this person and they the same, that when you’re apart you only half function.

Tell tale symptoms of this are:

  • You plan ALL your social events according to their schedule so they can attend with you.
  • When you’re out with friends and all you do is talk about them and check your phone.
  • You’re unable to enjoy anything unless they are there.
  • When they’re away, you’re hopelessly miserable and much to the annoyance of your friends, you complain constantly.

A friend had started dating someone new and they were attached at the lips from the start. All her free moments were dedicated to her beau. Inside of three weeks, she was already a “we” person. “We are going away together”, “We don’t like to eat there” etc. Incredibly annoying. He went away on holiday for two weeks and it was a complete disaster. My interesting, sociable friend had transformed into this Golum-like creature, hibernating in her room hankering for her precious to return.

The reason this is a problem is that it eventually progresses to ruination. No one likes to feel the weight of someone who is dependent on them. It will all come crashing down. And for my friend it did. She plagued him with calls while he was away and sulked when he didn’t message her back. When he returned from his holiday he instantly broke it off.

The key is to strike a balance between enjoying the first flush of a relationship and regulating time for yourself. It’s attractive to have your own thing going on, whether it’s career-related, sports or even just shopping. Just something to focus on and enjoy independently of the other person. Have your own plans and move to your own beat instead of someone else’s.

TFI Friday! Need plans? Get some.

His Fashion Dealbreakers

Friday, July 8th, 2011

There are some things women love to wear but men will always hate. Why do we keep wearing them then and risk sartorial dealbreakers? Some clothes we will never agree to like and the reasons why run deeper than you might expect.

It really boils down to the things we look for in a mate – physical strenth, health and general well being. This is why the best date outfits should flatter your shape and show off your best assets. When we dress to impress on a date, we should ensure that the more controversial items in our wardrobes stay there. Though personal style is important, think universal. The fashion magazines might love it, your friends might love it, but he will detest it.

Jessica Rabbit

Too much perhaps?

What Women Love:

- Wedges
A wedge heel is a Summer staple for a lot of women. They add height and are the comfortable option with a less intimidating heel like the stiletto. The man’s verdict, “They make your feet look like blocks of concrete”. A wedge can be a clumpy look and take away the gracefulness of movement sometimes. There is something about the tilt of a stiletto that makes you stand a certain way. You stand straighter and your body is altered into a more “pert” position – you’re ready to mate and this is why it’s the preferred shoe choice.

- Jumpsuits
Love jumpsuits. Practical yet stylish, they are an asset to my wardrobe. The bad news…men hate them. Though men aren’t totally turned off by androgyny (a sexy over-sized shirt always goes down well), a jumpsuit does everything to hide your best features. Your curves are hidden and he says, “Why are you wearing overalls?”.

- Horizontal Stripes
Breton stripes are one of the tell tale signs that Spring is on the way. Sailor-inspired tops, dresses and everything else hit shop windows as soon as February is out of the way. And for me, they are the epitome of Parisian chic. If I were to holiday in the South of France every Spring, there would be breton stripes everywhere. The problem with them though, comes when they are in dresses rather than tops. Horizontal stripes not only add the illusion that you appear wider than what you actually are but they hide your best features and maybe make you look “like a sea snake”.

What will he love?
The more quirky elements of your wardrobe you should look to introducing later. He might really appreciate your personal sense of style. What’s really going to hook him to begin with though, is an outfit that shows him you are the ideal. So, what should you wear on a date? Avoid really short skirts and dressing too provocatively. You don’t want to put it all on show. There’s nothing to tease him with here.

A well cut low neck line (not too low!) is sexy and feminine and elongates the upper body. The same goes for hemline. Don’t be afraid to go short just don’t overdo it. Believe it or not a very short skirt can truncate your shape and make you look stumpy. If your hemline sits on the widest part of your leg (high end of thigh), you look shorter and wider. I’ve found that 4 inches above the knee is perfect. I’ll leave you with one final interesting thought. Shoulders. Yes shoulders. Apparently, exposing your shoulders is inherently sexy. Why? Because it makes men think of boobs. Typical.

Desperately Seeking Some Common Ground

Monday, June 27th, 2011

When you start dating someone that first initial attraction – the chemical kind, is of course important. What really makes things stick however, is reaching common ground. Things you both like, enjoy and think about are what tip that first attraction into something with substance. It means that your chances of longevity and dating success are much higher.

It could be a love of going out to restaurants, you might both like falling out of the same bar in Soho on a Friday night. Maybe it’s picnics in the park, mutual appreciation for Tarantino or getting excited over Great British Menu (we are not here to judge). Your dating destiny is all the more clearer if you both have lots in common. This is no mystery, the reasoning is pure and simple.

The first date is a great opportunity to establish this common ground. You might find that his choice of wine is terrible or you could be horrified at her insistence that the veggie option beats the meat. So be sure to go in armed with the right questions (don’t interrogate) to find out if this person sitting across the table chewing their food rather loudly is to be kept and cultivated or thrown onto the dating compost heap.

That said, can you go too far? Can you over-share? If you have bizarre or let’s euphemise – interesting habits, maybe keep them to yourself until you know it’s safe to unleash your inner freak i.e. upon discovering they also have the same strange penchant for….use your imagination here….

In a video intro on eHarmony, one girl went completely the other side of loopy in expressing her love of cats. I too have to admit I adore the furry felines, but this was just plain mad. Watch this display of insanity below and learn lessons here: establish what your date likes and share your interests but whatever you do, don’t do this.

Do It Like A Dude

Tuesday, May 31st, 2011

When it comes to dating, girls love to scheme. Not necessarily in a sinister sense, but we have to admit to being very forward thinking and planning things oh so carefully. From timing when messages get sent, to what we wear, how many times we flip our hair around. We are strategically gazing from your lips to your eyes and whilst you’re thinking about the end of the night, we are determining if you’re a suitable date for that wedding in six week’s time. We have got it all figured out and yet in some areas we bomb massively, hugely. Sometimes we have to look at the way a man would do it.  After all, it helps to understand your enemy before you go into battle.

Do It Like A DudeRejection? Next!
One thing that stunts women in their dating success is their fear of rejection. In a world that constantly forces us to self-validate, when you’re rejected by a dating partner or lover it can really hurt your confidence. What do men do when they are rejected? Well, they are far more used to it than women are so naturally just brush it off and try again. Can you imagine a man crying in the bathroom to the tune of “I’ll never find my soulmate” because the leggy brunette at the bar won’t let him buy her a vodka coke? No you wouldn’t. Men are opportunists in this particular arena.

Within moments of rejection, he is already focusing on a better looking girl in the opposite corner of the bar. If you’re rejected when you make the first move, it really doesn’t matter. Whether by a message online or approaching at a party, you’ve increased your odds, learned something and taken an important step in building up your confidence.

Now Taking Applications, Please Apply Within
The most fun thing about dating is remaining available. Women tend to find their next love interest, spend hours analysing his profile and deciding that because you both love a certain type of champagne, you’re life partners. This is ok, despite it being a little far-fetched. But whilst we are matching up our first names with their last, we are missing out on other potentials. Don’t become fixated on one person and try to make them fit into your perfect picture. When he’s dating, a man would take up all offers he was interested in just to increase his dating pool. The more people you date, the more chance of success you have of finding someone you’re compatible with. Simple maths.

Life Outside Exists
One of the best things men do is have a life outside of dating. They’re dating you on Tuesday night but on Wednesday he’s watching football with the lads, Friday night he promised to go to a gig with a friend and on Sunday he’s playing golf. Ok, maybe the aforementioned aren’t your perfect picture of activities but the point is that he’s not clearing his schedule to make himself available to you nor is he trying to look unavailable, but is really sitting at home in his dressing gown (like we sometimes do!). He is living his life and this is a good thing. Women sometimes struggle with their priorities when they’re dating. The key is to not see him as the main event and to have your own stuff going on. Not only will you focus less on what he is doing and get down about what you’re not doing but he will also find your active life an attractive quality.

Get Real!
One of our biggest downfalls is to let our heads run away with us into fantasy (like with the wedding scenario mentioned above) and though it’s not a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve, it’s certainly not a good thing to show this straight away. Men tend to be more reality-centric in affairs of the heart and carefully weigh up their feelings towards someone whereas women are more fantasy-centric and tend to dream and fast forward. Don’t think this goes unnoticed. When we’re dating we need to carefully manage our expectations. This helps us to protect ourselves and have a healthier attitude towards dating.

Want to increase you’re dating odds? Click Tonight and make plans with someone now.

Virtual Love

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

What does your online dating profile say about you? Akin to your dating CV if you will, this first point of display in the internet dating world is the single most important thing in ensuring you attract the right messages. Where do you like to go out? What’s your job? Interests?

However  Virtual Lovejust like a CV, your profile is not going to get you there completely. It will get you noticed, sure. But the old saying “actions speak louder than words” is so so true here. On ClickTonight we love you lot to ask each other out on dates – restaurants, bars, cool cafes or meet at our beloved parties. Making plans is the best way to date and to socialise, just make sure you actually do it! Simple.

The internet has changed the way we manage our lives – everything we do now is seemingly uncomplicated. And as we organise our lives on the internet, we now look to micro-manage our dating lives. Thinking back to the old school ways, you could trawl bar after bar looking to meet someone half decent (and you would usually have feign small talk with quite a few frogs first). Now however, internet dating means we are being more pro-active and taking control over who we spend our precious time with.

Don’t get me wrong, you can’t simulate a real date experience online but what you can do is use the internet as a filtering process and also for some great date ideas. We are always trying out new places to go, finding out what works for a first date so we can give you the best tips on hottest new restaurants, hidden gems and great date bars. Call it a labour of love.

Why not ClickTonight and make plans for this weekend? It’s not too late to sneak a cheeky date in!

A Man’s Guide To Dating

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

I am not going to preach because this is not the bible. It’s just a perspective really and a few things I’ve learnt along the way. I am a serial dater – I love women, I love dating. I don’t necessarily see it as a game or anything, I just like to meet new people, see new places etc etc. I think it’s important to share what I know (tips and advice also come courtesy of some of my girl-friends and two sisters). So here goes.

A Man's guide to dating

Confidence is key - don't leave it at home!

1) If she wants contact, she will encourage it
When a girl wants you to ask her out, she might play coy but you will know! She will be subtle but the evidence is there. Replying to your messages with questions, asking for more info re where you’re going tonight? shows interest.

2) Think about your approach
Whether you make your first move through a message or approaching at the bar, put yourself in her shoes. Possibly hundreds have messaged her before you, she might have had to turn down drink offers at the bar. At this point she’s feeling harassed and can’t be bothered with small talk while she’s out with her friends. You have to be original and charming and ensure your approach is non-aggressive. In other words, don’t annoy her by coming on too strong. You’re going to make her night, she just doesn’t know it yet.

3) Be Different
Following on from previous – for god’s sake distinguish yourself!  I can’t stress this enough. Think about how you’re going to be memorable whether it’s by your sense of style, your hobbies, achievements. Memorableness (if that’s a word) can come in lot’s of different ways – culturally, visually, intellectually the list goes on.

4) She Will Always Want to Feel Special
Once you’re past the formalities of introductions, you’ve now asked her out and she has agreed to meet. Take note boys, this tip is not exclusive to the early stages of a relationship – it works all the way through. Making her feel special is important. Compliment her on things no one else does, take time to realise what it is that interests her, motivates her – support her in that. Treat her with respect and kindness (courtesy of my sister – but it does work!!).

Just a few basics and like I said, they are not rules. Dating is not difficult. It really comes down to how you treat that other person and if you do it well, 9/10 you won’t go wrong.

The Dating Monologues: A Relationship Appraisal

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

After 3 months in a new job I was asked to complete a self appraisal. This was to be based on how competently I thought I was doing my job, new things I had learned and the dreaded question of where I saw myself progressing. Having never done this before, it just seemed strange to have to evaluate myself and even more unnerving, having to state my future intentions. My 3 month appraisal also bizarrely coincided with the watershed point of a relationship when it hits the 3 month mark.

Love Hearts

Though it appears to be such a short period of time, it is definitely one of those crucial markers of when a new relationship is suddenly subject to an evaluation. How have you performed, are you a competent dater? Most importantly, where do you see this going? I’ve known people to meet, fall for each other, marry and produce spawn inside a year. However, the majority of people I know can testify to reaching the 3 month mark, looking back over those first dates and deciding to make a proper go of it or walk away unscathed before it’s too late.

I know how to do my job. I am confident in my strengths yet recognise my weaknesses. I understand where growth is necessary, where I want to be and what I would like to achieve. This just needed to be translated onto the rather intimidating form in front of me. Even worse, I had to score myself on each category out of 5. Awful. But in a relationship there is no scheduled appraisal meeting, and there is no form to fill in.

I

0-5

Comments

(I) Evaluate how charming you have been over the last 12 weeks and demonstrate in no fewer than 3 points, moments when you have exhibited your most charming behaviour

3/5

??

Case in point. It simply can’t be done. The 3 month relationship appraisal can manifest twofold: either you both sit down and have “the discussion” or it’s an unspoken agreement perfectly understood by both parties. Whether the outcome results in staying together or agreeing to go your separate ways, 9 times out of 10 some sort of outcome is reached.

It was the 3 month watershed that made me enter into thoughts of self evaluation – needless to say I became exasperated and gave up. Knowing my abilities in a professional context was easy whereas knowing them in a romantic one was virtually impossible. Having not (knowingly) applied my usual “charm offensive”, I struggled to realise what I had done right. Even worse, what I was going to do next? I love dating and have perfected to a fine art, the 5 date fling. All fun and games, everything is kept light-hearted and then both parties walk away, looking back fondly and more often than not remaining good friends. After this point I am well out of my depth. Being a full time girlfriend/boyfriend is a demanding position and one that warrants care and attention. Skill is key here. I needed a plan…time for some gentle strategy.