This is not a new debate. I’ve heard this question time and time again – friends of mine have thrashed this out over cocktails, I’ve overheard it in cafes, toilets. It’s a classic. The main problem with this question is that the rationale it is often met with is a little backwards. Girls learn quite early that it’s the thrill of the chase that ignites a man’s interests and by holding sex back, we’re keeping him excited. It’s quite logical really, but not necessarily correct.
If you’ve ever read The Rules (as many of my friends have), you’ll swear by the 3 date rule…
“On the first three dates we don’t have sex with a man or have him stay at our place overnight.”
Really? We know that men and women when it comes to dating can be predictable and trigger responsive, but this is very rigid. I get the part about not letting him stay at my place. This is more of an intimacy thing rather than a tactical one. I read The Rules and felt instantly guilty at all my supposed dating faux pas. But with the 3 date no sex rule, it’s not how you behave that changes the man’s interest, he’s already predetermined his behaviour towards you. In other words, at the point of the first date he’s decided whether he wants a one night stand (he might have decided this is what he wanted when the date was arranged…beware of these toxic types!) or whether he’s interested in pursuing something past sex. With that in mind, it’s irrelevant if you sleep with him on the first date or after the third!
I quizzed a male friend on this and he completely agrees. His decision between hook-up and intent to date is reached almost instantly on the first meeting. We tried to define the criteria and it’s really basic: nicely dressed, no lairy jewellery, nice hair etc… and on a more personal level – bright, witty, interesting, ambitious. The buzz word that gets thrashed around a lot in this debate is “respect” as in “If I sleep with him on the first date, he won’t respect me.” Respect is not established by someone’s activity (or lack of) in the bedroom, it’s established during conversation and interaction between both parties. When you thanked the waiter, were courteous about being treated to dinner whilst offering to buy some drinks, you were gaining his respect here.
You now might think…”I am well mannered, I dress nicely etc etc, I slept with him on the first date and he never called me or returned my text.” This is NOT because you slept with him on the first date, it’s because he never had the intention to call you/text you/date you regardless if you slept with him or not. He was only after one thing. You live and you learn to recognise these types early on before the bedroom situation arises. Call it dating intuition.
Ouch! I’m still delicate from the night before but I had SO much fun. Want to see photos? Check out our gallery of our Cocktails & Mistletoe action!